INT. a bleak greasy-spoon cafe with blacked-out windows in Westminster – mid-afternoon. Team Precious Union are seated round a table.
DOMINIC: I think it’s clear who’s responsible for the failure of this task. What we needed was strong and stable leadership, not messing up the pitch and then caving in as soon as the haggling started.
THERESA: I respect your honestly, Dominic, and I agree that as sub-team eader you should take responsi...
DOMINIC: Don’t you try to pin the blame on me! I stepped up when no-one else wanted the job, and I gave the task 110%. Not like some of the slackers in here who just grumbled from the sidelines about ports and water and other trivial details.
READ MORE: This is why the time has come for the First Minister to act on independence
PENNY: 110%? Your maths is as bad as your geography, Dominic. No wonder you didn’t manage to secure any international trade deals. But having said that, it’s clear the project manager is to blame for letting an incompetent like you pitch in the first place.
THERESA: These decisions were not taken lightly but I believe it was a decision that was firmly in the national interest.
PENNY: But it wasn’t, was it? He’s cocked it right up. I know a cock-up when I see one, and this is definitely the foulest of cock-ups. One more time for good measure: COCK. UP.
THERESA: Strip away the detail and the choice before us is clear.
DOMINIC: Wait, no it isn’t – you said Brexit means Brexit and now you’re saying it either means Brexit or no Brexit at all – and besides, Penny, we aren’t allowed to secure any trade deals yet so there was no need for you to butt into the negotiations. I thought that was really unprofessional.
PENNY: It’s not my fault you’re a bad negotiator Dominic. In these situations every penny counts – although obviously I count the most because I have two jobs ... and am poised to take on another one should it become vacant in the right circumstances (winks at camera).
DOMINIC: I’ve been fighting for a good Brexit, and I won’t lock us into a bad deal.
MICHAEL: Excuses excuses! I once managed to secure a trade deal with a knife manufacturer in the middle of planning someone else’s Tory leadership campaign. Actually (opens jacket, which is lined with assorted knives) I took on a franchise, so if anyone’s in the market for one this afternoon...
Silence. Nervous glances.
THERESA: I firmly believe that the draft Withdrawal Agreement was the best that could be negotiated, and it was f-f-f-f-
LIAM: Can someone change her batteries please?
(PHILIP kicks Theresa under the table)
THERESA: ...for the Cabinet to decide whether to move on in the talks.
LISTEN: Tory MP makes bizarre Brexit claim on radio – then apologises when caught out
ESTHER: Right, well I’m deciding to move on, and wrench myself away from the job I love, which involves looking my constituents in the eye as I tell them their benefit applications have been rejected and they’re going to be left penniless.
PENNY: Not if I get my way. (double wink)
LIAM: But Esther, you were supposed to be project-managing next week’s Universal Credit task.
ESTHER: Yes, what a shame, I would definitely have smashed that task, if only I’d been given the chance to go on a journey, prove myself and live up to my full potential. It’s very disappointing.
DOMINIC: Fine, off you go then. But someone still has to take responsibility for the mess we’re in. Those Brexit-themed donuts we took to Brussels were a disaster, and no-one wants to travel with our Disunited Airlines because they’re scared the pilot might bail out halfway through the flight.
MICHAEL: That is exactly the sort of negativity that’s bringing this team down. Who needs planes when we have plenty of double-decker campaign buses going spare? The Great British public can take back control of their holidays and head to Scotland region if Johnny Foreigner insists on keeping trying to blackmail us.
THERESA: What we need is a decisive step which enables us to move on and finalise the deal in the days ahead. So, um... um...
MICHAEL: Well done, Prime Minister – how outstandingly decisive and nationally interesting of you to bring this whole thing back to square one and give me a chance of another promotion.
THERESA: Oh, right, OK then. Dominic, you’re fi...
DOMINIC: I quit!
NARRATOR: The search for the faintest clue how to get out of this mess continues...
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